meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
