I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mouth tastes like poor choices
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
