she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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