I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
