How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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