Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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