I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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