Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
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I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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