I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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