You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
