I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
