I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
