God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
