Pants 0. Shit 1.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
