In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
