thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
