If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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