pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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