My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
