so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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