My Higher Power is John Stamos
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
