The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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