was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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