Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
