I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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