i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
