Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
