I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
