Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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