what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
