My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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