just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Randomize
