i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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