Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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