He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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