Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize