just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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