you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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