You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
