I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
