We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
