All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
