I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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