Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
