just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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