I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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