Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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