Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
