Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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