Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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