What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
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Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So squirting runs in the family.
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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