Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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