so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Still dying that you shit outside
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
