In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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