The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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